After The Need
by Mynerva
Summary: The aftermath of with-drawl. And the cold hard facts one has to face up to.


"_I know what this is..._"

Did he? Did Jack really understand what this felt like, what it appeared to be? Daniel wasn't so sure why he believed his friend when he said this to him. It was his eyes, his tone of voice. Something in those words that was undeniable truth.

Jack knew, with-drawl.

It had happened days ago, but it was still lingering in the back of his mind. The times he was not constantly thinking back to the terrible things he had done and feeling ashamed, Daniel would always be drawn back to those five words, whispered to him from the darkness, pulling him back from the brink of insanity and saving him from making the biggest mistake of his life.

"_I know..._"

---

"...what this is? Its a joke! Come on, put a little backbone into it."

Daniel's head shot up as Jack raised his voice. His friend was pissed as hell at his Hockey Team for conceding far to many points and were now rapidly descending the league tables. He wasn't really aware he had been asleep, until the point of waking - or rather being awoken. He blinked a few times till he was able to focus on the T.V trying to maintain the image of interest and alertness. It was a charade he had been trying to keep up since his discharge. Really, all he wanted to do was curl up into a ball and go to sleep for a very long time. Never waking up again sounded like a damn good idea to him right now.

"Hey." He turned and blinked with bleary eyes at Jack who was taking another drink of his beer, Daniel's still full and now a bit warm on the table. "Why don't you turn in, Daniel."

"I'm fine."

"I know you are, but even fine people get tired." Jack sat back in his favourite chair, the soft cushions sinking back to support him comfortably. The sofa Daniel was in doing like-wise. It was probably the reason he felt so relaxed.

"I've had like, twelve hours sleep already."

"So, get some more."

"When are we back on rotation?" Changing the subject often worked when Daniel wanted to avoid arguing with someone.

"'We', as in me, Cater and Teal'c, are scheduled to 'Gate-out' tomorrow." Jack lowered his head to study the beer bottle still in his hand, picking at the label and obviously wishing for the ground to open up and swallow him, especially at the look Daniel was now giving him.

"Wha-you mean without-"

"Yes, Daniel. Without you."

"Wha-why?" Jack's interest in the bottle grew.

"Daniel..."

"Don't give me that 'not one-hundred percent' bullshit, Jack. We both know I'm perfectly able to-"

"You're right, we both know you're perfectly able to do the work, keep up with the pace and do your job." A pause as Jack turned to fix the younger man with his dark, and very serious eyes. Jack was, first and for-most a Colonel. It wasn't a rank and title gained through anything less than hard work and a seriousness not often seen, since the guy spent so much of his time trying to make everything fun. "It's the rest of us. We're not ready to face that again."

Daniel blinked, obviously confused. "What? You mean...see me go through that again, what?"

"Partly." He swallowed and Daniel could tell this must be very bad since he couldn't remember the last time Jack had looked at him in that way.

"Spill it, Jack." Daniel swallowed, bracing himself for the worst.

"_We_, don't want to go through _that_ again."

Despite having already swallowed, Daniel's throat ran dry.

Of course. His friends had been held in those mines, while he was with Shyla. They had been beaten, starved and almost choked by dust and fumes in that damn Naquida mine, while he was...

They were scared he would do it again. Scared he would abandon them and make a run for the damned Sarcophagus.

"Daniel,"

"No, no, I-I get it."

"It's not forever Daniel just-"

"I said I get it." Daniel stood, nodding his head as he done so and quickly left the room. He'd been staying at Jack's for the last few days, the invitation, he thought had been extended because Jack just wanted the company. As it turned out, they were probably just concerned that he wasn't actually over this...addiction and Jack had taken it upon him self to babysit. Well Daniel wasn't a child. And he wasn't addicted to anything anymore.

He grabbed his jacket that was hung around the door and slipped his arm inside, pulling it on.

"Daniel." Jack had got up and was now standing in the living room doorway, holding his beer, the label all but removed.

"You said you, knew." A blink. "Back in the store room, you told me. You said '_I know what this is_'." Jack looked down at the floor. "I thought, by that you meant you understood, I _thought_ you would be fighting in my corner..."

"It's not that I'm not, Daniel."

"So why do I feel like I'm just being pushed aside here, I mean you've taken me off the team without even consulting me prior to this-"

"_I _didn't, Daniel!" Jack snapped fixing the younger man with a stern look, before shaking his head and looking down at the floor before speaking once more. "Come on, Danny. You gotta admit, it's not that simple."

"I don't see why not. I screwed up, I was sick, it wasn't me making those choices, but I'm still feeling ashamed! I still feel like _I'm _the one who messed up, _I'm _the one being punished for..."

"What if it happens again?"

"Wha-what if what?"

Jack paused. "You were all set for running right back to that vixen and surrendering your soul to that thing. We're gonna come across more..."

"Vixens?"

Jack looked surprised Daniel had made a joke about this, but then Daniel knew where Jack was going with this, and he hated to admit it, the point was a valid one.

"You know, Daniel." Daniel just rubbed his eyes.

"Yeah, but it's under control now I wont-"

"How do you know?"

"I just do I-"

"How?"

"_I don't!_" The shout came out without him even realising. He wasn't mad at Jack, far from it, he was angry at himself. He didn't know, and if he didn't trust himself, how could he expect Jack, or anyone else for that matter?

He took a breath and turned away from Jack who was just stood silently, as if knowing he didn't need to say anything more, knowing the point had been made. They needed people out there who weren't a risk, who weren't going to risk their team-mates safety to satisfy an addiction. What if next time he was injured, badly, would further use mess him up even more than help him? And what if that went for hand devices to, the ones that healed? Could that also turn him 'dark-side'? "You said you knew..." He muttered again, his voice raw with barely held back emotion.

"I do."

"Then help me!" He turned back to Jack, swallowing down the lump and blinking to try stop the fall of tears. It probably seemed so pathetic but everything he knew, everything that meant something to him was about to ripped from his hands.

Jack looked at Daniel for a long moment before turning and heading back into the sitting room, without saying a word and Daniel took that as a no. He stood there in the hall, not knowing what to do before turning towards the front door.

"You want my help, or not?" Jack called and Daniel looked over his shoulder before heading back into the room where Jack stood at the glass display case.

He stopped just inside the door, his own hands in his pockets watching as Jack reached inside the display unit and pulled out the bottle of scotch. It was about three quarters full and had been...well forever. It stayed in that case, Jack had never got it out once. Every time he offered a drink it was always beer. Where they going to start on that? The mere thought of that made Daniel shrink a little, he got drunk on one beer, God knows what he would be like with that stuff. The bottle boasted it was twenty-years old and since it had been sat in Jack's cabinet for a long time, it was probably near the twenty-three year mark.

"I don't think-"

"I took a chance, Daniel." Jack cut him off, not taking his eyes off that bottle, even running a hand over the label. "Something like this, it takes control. It's damn near impossible to take it back." Without taking his eyes off the bottle, Jack stepped back, sitting back in the other chair that was right behind him. He knew where to go to sit upon it without needing to look, which was a good thing since, Jack seemed mesmerised by the liquid as what little light in the room bounced off its smooth, watery surface, inviting all into its amber depths.

"It starts, and it's fun. It's fun when you want it. It's need. Just starting out it's, need. A need for a bit of fun, a need to know you're in some kind of control. A need, to feel that...spark. That spark that makes you feel so, so good." There was a long pause. "Then that need changes. It's a terrifying day when you realise the thing you thought you needed just to, feel normal again, needs you. And it feeds off you.

"But, that's not possible, because it's just a thing. How could it want to need you, to control you, take over your life?" Another pause as Jack placed the scotch on the coffee table. "But it does."

"You-"

"I took a chance, Daniel." Jack didn't look up from the bottle. "I took a chance with my life and it paid off. I faced this, need, that will never - ever go away, and I won. I'm still winning." He finally looked up at Daniel who was still standing in the door-way. "I took a chance, with _my_ life, Daniel. It was a choice I made. I decided I would face this, need, and either come out of it stronger, or it would kill me." Jack stood, picking the bottle back up once more. "I made that choice, the night I let this bottle touch my lips for the last time." Without another word, Jack placed the bottle back in the display case and only now did Daniel understand.

_Keep you friend's close, but your enemies closer._

And this, was Jack's worst.

"No ones saying you can't do it too, Daniel, but you gotta understand, it's not just your life you're taking the chance with, you gotta be sure. And I mean more sure than anything you have ever been sure of before."

The younger man swallowed back his misery. Could he be that strong. Could he face his 'worst' and still come out of it the man he prided himself on being?

"Daniel," He looked up as Jack once again spoke, his own voice barely a whisper. "I do know. I am one-hundred percent behind you if, if you can look me in the eyes and tell me, you have no doubt in your mind that you can beat this." Daniel just nodded, not moving, not daring. His feet had become rooted solidly to the floor. "Me, Carter, Teal'c. We'll follow you. We'll stand by you to face this down but, if it beats you, I will stop you first." It was hard sometimes having a best friend that new how to kill a man one-hundred different ways. The softness of his voice done little to take away the fear Daniel felt just from hearing those words.

He nodded.

He understood.

He was scared.

"I-I won't know unless..."

"I know." Jack took a slow draw from his beer bottle, turning to look out of the window. "Just, let me know when, Danny."

---

The next day, and with it brought the usual routine. Or at least for most of the base. Daniel was still feeling some what out of place as he sat there on the Infirmary cot. Which was strange considering this was probably part of the base - apart from his office - where he spent most of his 'free' time. Free time being those instances he couldn't work. Like being unconscious, for example.

The place was relatively quiet, most of the SG-teams were either off world or on down-time, most of the activity in this place kicking up when pre-or-post medical examinations were being done. The rest of SG-1 had been cleared for active duty, all except Daniel. He wasn't looking forward to it, especially when he saw who was back on duty after some R&R.

He cringed inwardly as he remembered the way he had literally thrown Janet across the room, holding nothing but her left shoulder. It must have hurt her so much since she spent the rest of the day in a sling and having x-rays.

She walked over, opening up his chart and Daniel done his best to keep from looking in her eyes, swallowing thickly when there was a long drawn out silence, usually she would dive right into it, asking him questions about how he was, if he had been eating, drinking, sleeping...

"Are, you okay Daniel?" He looked up, seeing her looking at him, concern in her big brown eyes. "We can leave this till another time if you-"

"No, no I, need to get this...um..." He looked down at his hand and picked uncomfortably at a nail. "How's your-"

"I'm fine, Daniel and please, don't worry about it." He looked back up at her, seeing her smiling kindly. "We need to put this behind you, as far as I'm concerned, that wasn't you." Her hand had found his and she gave a little squeeze before starting her examination.

"Thanks." He choked out and Janet's brow furrowed, sympathy in her expression, something he didn't deserve.

Quickly she pulled the curtain all the way around and came right at him, her arms settling on his shoulders and pulling him towards her. Daniel kept his hands on his lap, simply leaning against her, part of him was scared to reach out for her, in case she got scared or flinched, he couldn't bare to see her do that, he felt bad enough having hurt her already.

Her hand rubbed his back, while another ran up his neck and into his long hair. If it had been any other woman, he might have pulled away, but Janet was a good friend, one of the few who understood him. He let a few tears fall past his closed eyes before wiping his face and pulling away, Janet letting him go, but her one hand remained on his shoulder, and she lifted it to run a thumb over his still damp and now slightly flushed cheek.

"I don't deserve-"

"Yes you do, Daniel. What you don't deserve is to have women like that, willing to make you very ill, just to get what they want."

"She was just-"

"Even after all she's done, you're willing to forgive her, so why not yourself?" Janet narrowed her eyes as she looked into his, her smile gentle, her hand more so as she tickled the back of his neck. Their was a moment they seemed to be locked that way, till Janet pulled her hand away and he felt the cold air hit his heated skin, not really understanding why he felt so warm. Probably still feeling some of the side-effects from the with-drawl. "Have you eaten?" She asked, slipping back into Doctor mode as she glanced at his file.

"Yeah, Jack's been, cooking."

"Beer and Pizza?" She lifted a brow, shaking her head slightly in objection when Daniel confirmed her suspicion. "Keeping it down?"

"Mostly..."

"That's a no, then."

"No, I have. Just, some times I feel..."

"It's to be expected, your body's still learning to work for itself again. Are your bowel movements, regular?"

"Yes."

"No discomfort passing fluids?"

"No."

"Masturbated?"

"Ye-what?" He blinked.

"No pain?"

"No-why are you asking?"

Janet bit her lower lip before putting her file down. "Daniel, you had unprotected intercourse with a woman from another planet." He blushed fiercely. "Now the STD checks came back clear, I'm just following the examination through. We can check for diseases we know about..."

"Yeah-okay." He was still blushing, and on top of that he felt utterly ashamed. A few more routine questions and tests, Janet skirting around the more sensitive ones with a little more tact since Daniel was now, very uncomfortable.

"Okay, all done. I'm going to keep you on down-time for a few more days, I'm not completely happy with the amount you're eating and managing to keep down."

"No, no I have to-"

"You're not ready, Daniel. A day-two at the most."

"You don't understand, SG-1, they're going..."

"I know. I also know you've been assigned to base staff until further notice." She stated it so matter-of-fact, clipping her pen to the file before holding it to her chest in one hand.

"Janet,"

"I'm not changing my mind about this, Daniel. Go home, rest, and then, we'll see." His eyes fell to the floor before he picked up his jacket and headed out of the room.

---

Go home and rest. How could he? How could he go home, only to sit and wait for his team to come back, with nothing more to do other than think about what a mess he had made of everything? Janet meant well, she was looking out for his body, that was her job, to make sure he was fit and healthy, but his mind? If he followed through with her request he would go crazy and never be completely over this. To be over this, he had to be out there, he had to face this demon, like Jack had faced his. Trouble was, like Jack had said the night before, he wasn't just playing with his life...it was theirs. Jack, Sam, Teal'c...he had put them through so much already - how could he ask them to do more?

He felt so torn. The need to get out there and get back to who he had been, doing what he needed to do to find his wife. He had to be out there, he ran the risk of loosing her forever if he didn't.

He was already climbing the stairs into the conference room before he even realised, just as Sam was making her report about the planet SG-1 were to be visiting next. SG-1 - baring Daniel.

"I have another suggestion, and before you say anything, hear me out..." He kept his own voice, calm and low as all eyes now fell on him, Jack's gaze weighing more than the other three combined. He laid it out for them, making damn sure they knew the _real_ reason he wanted to go. Not for Shyla, not for the Sarcophagus - for the people suffering in those mines as his friends had been. For the Naquida, and he had won Sam's approval on that part at least. Now came the hard part, convincing Jack.

He'd promised his friend he would be sure before he asked it of him, and looking right at Jack, he concluded.

"...I _need_ to take that chance."

The longest moments of Daniel's life followed that last word, until Jack finally spoke up, his own voice soft, but full of conviction.

"SG-1 can back him up, sir. I'd like Daniel back on the team."

A thousand silent, thank you's rolled around in his mind, as Jack, as promised, moved to stand right by Daniels side once again.

---

"Daniel!" The young archaeologist stood straight as Jack came over, his P-90 shouldered out of the way, even when there was no need for the weapon, Jack had it with him at all times, Daniel however was loathe to carry the smaller side-arm and often went wandering without it. He put the pack down that he had helped carry from the gate and wiped his brow, it certainly got hot here.

"Hey, Jack."

"Weren't you supposed to head back with the last team?"

"Er, yeah but..."

"No, buts, Daniel, or Frasier will be kicking mine for keeping you from that rest she prescribed and you ignored. I barely escaped her the last time I was Earth-side, you-know? I'd rather not face her wrath again."

"Yeah, sorry." He wiped his hands on his dusty pants and looked around. "There's just so much to do, I promised Shyla I would make sure..." Jack gave him a look. "I'll head back with the next team, I promise!"

"Thank you!" Jack held his hands towards the sky and both men started back to the main camp situated not to far from the gate. For the last forty-eight hours, SGC personnel had been coming through from Earth with equipment to help mine the Naquida. Not to mention people dedicated to setting it up and teaching the men here how to use it all. It was slow going, but going well.

"How is she?" Daniel asked of his friend, helping himself to some water from his canteen, the cool water chasing away the dust he had inhaled in the mines. He really shouldn't have been in there, but some of the men had been having a lot of trouble getting the native workers to understand them. Some beams had been replaced and it required team-work. A task not easily accomplished when things like speaking a different language got in the way.

"Shyla?" Jack asked, and Daniel nodded the affirmative. "Over the worst, Frasier said. Resting now, something you should be doing." Jack gave him that look again.

"I will-I am! I already told you, I'll head back with the next team."

"Dr. Jackson!" A voice called from across the camp, and ignoring Jack's 'look', he went to answer that call.

---

As suspected, Daniel missed the next team and left Jack pacing the camp pretty annoyed at the younger man. Well, only a little annoyed. Truth be told, Jack was really proud of the guy, having faced down his demons and it was safe to say, Daniel was back. Back to his usual work-aholic self. There was one addiction they would never get him to abandon.

There wasn't much he could do other than physically drag the other man through the gate, back in front of the T.V, plant some snacks in his lap and hold him at gun-point, making damn sure he didn't move. He wasn't sure Daniel could relax at gun-point, but at least Frasier couldn't blame Jack for not trying hard enough to get the civilian to rest! Why did he have to shoulder the blame anyway? Oh yeah, that whole CO thing...

The gate activated once again and as usual the teams around the gate held up their weapons. They were being cautious and for good reason, there was no telling when the Goa'uld would call in on their little Naquida mining planet, if they ever would again. According to Shyla, there had been no patrols through the gate in years, but then, Jack didn't exactly trust her.

A transmission from the General followed through shortly after activation and the security teams around the base relaxed. Not long after another team was permitted through - this time lead by a familiar face, one Jack was hoping to avoid at all costs, but being in charge here meant he had to do the usual meet and greet.

"Hey, Doc!"

"Good, morning Colonel." She looked around, seeing the sun low in the sky. "It is morning here, right?"

"No." He grinned as she lead her team down the steps and towards the camp.

"Well, it is on Earth and I'm sticking by that. So where's a good place to set up the medical tents?"

"Just keep them close to the main area, and away from the mines. From what I hear, those things are death traps, its been hard on our guys trying to make them safer, but then that's hardly a surprise, Daniel was caught in a cave in last time we were in there, of course the staff blast didn't help, but we need to make them structurally sound before we send anyone back in there."

"Of course. I want to give everyone who's been working there a medical, get these people treated for anything that might have been caused through breathing in dust and fumes. You and Captain Carter were only there a comparatively short time compared to some of these men, I dread to think what state their lungs are in..."

"Well, least they're getting the help they need, but I get the feeling that's not the only reason you're here." He smirked as he fell into step at her side, walking just behind the medical team who were quickly assembling the canopies that would serve as the medical stations.

"I don't know what you mean, Colonel." She started to walk away, leaving Jack watching. "But if you do see, Daniel. Send him my way, will you?"

"Sure doc." Jack said with a quiet chuckle.

---

"_MOVE_!"

Daniel felt a hand grab him and pull back hard, pulling him from the mouth of the mine as the entrance caved in.

"No, there still in there!" He shouted, his hand reaching towards the small boy as the rocks fell around him, the man dragging him back didn't care, he just wanted to get as many people out of harms way as possible, this one in particular. Most of the military minded had saw sense and moved away as soon as the rumble sounded, this guy, Daniel was to concerned for the people still inside that particular shaft.

It broke Jack's heart to see that boy disappear in a cascade of stones and dirt, but getting himself killed - or any of his team for that matter - just wasn't gonna happen.

"For cryin' out loud, Daniel! Get the hell away!" Jack pulled one last time, dragging the man he held across the floor as Daniel attempted to get up, only half managing and ended up scampering on his hands and knees, before Jack reached down and pulled him the rest of the way up. Both men running from the dust cloud that was now billowing out around them from the shaft.

Both were coughing as they came to a stop - Daniel more so because of his damned allergies.

"What the hell are you playing at!" Jack demanded of the younger man, who was bent double coughing up the dust that was still billowing out around them.

"Th-they wouldn't-" Daniel coughed some more, his face turning red and his eyes watering, his glasses were lost some where it seemed.

"Come on!" Jack got an arm under Daniel's and pulled him the rest of the way till they were well clear, but Daniel was still coughing like a trooper. "Teal'c!" Jack left Daniel resting on his knees while he set to ordering the rescue teams in. Most of the men here knew what to do - and were already hard at it. "Get word to Frasier, tell her to expect incoming casualties. Send word back to Hammond for anything she might need."

The Jafa nodded before hurrying back to the camp, leaving Jack rushing back to the mouth of the mine for a report.

"How many were in there?" He asked, removing his cap and bashing the white dust out of it.

"Ten, including two young boys, sir." Lt. Bridger answered, he was head of the engineering team sent into make the mines more secure - so far he was just in the evaluating stages, but on the rare occasions that called for it, they had made a couple of the tunnels more secure by incorporating temporary measures.

"What were they doing in there, I thought we were evacuating the mines till they could be made secure?"

"We were, sir, but a handful of the workers seemed to be forming some kind of rebellion. I called on Dr. Jackson to find out why..."

"Did he find out?" Jack looked back at the mine entrance, already men were trying to move some of the smaller debris.

"Not sure, sir. He was just talking to them when it came down."

"Right, keep at it, let me know what you need and it'll be here within the hour."

"More men if possible, Colonel." Jack nodded and started running back to where he left Daniel, the younger man trying to get back up from the ground he was now sitting on. With ease, Jack helped him up once more and started marching the civilian towards the camp, heading that way to gather any more hands and sent them on to Bridger.

"Report, Daniel."

"Th-they think, we're invading, taking th-their jobs and homes..." He coughed some more, struggling to keep up but Jack held fast to Daniel's arm and marched him on, determined to tie the guy down and keep him out of harms way. "They moved into the mines wi-with their sons. I tried to t-tell them we-we weren't..."

"It's okay, I'll get Teal'c to do the translating when we dig them out." Now at camp, Jack sat the younger man down once more and marched into the centre. Already the place was a buzz of activity as most of the men there were starting to get dressed to see if they could help, most if not all had already completed a fifteen hour shift. He quickly explained the situation and arranged further teams, sending some on to the front line, keeping others back to rest now, who could later replace those who became to fatigued.

"Where do you want m-" Daniel asked, as Jack came back over, pulling off his dusty jacket and setting it down.

"Over there," The colonel indicated the medical tents and Daniel nodded. "Resting, nothing else."

"I can't, not now, not after-"

"You can, you will and you better." Jack warned. "I told you, back with the next team and you're still here."

"I just-I got so caught up in-"

"I know, you only want to help, I know you care about what happens here and I know you're out to prove a point to everyone and that you feel bad about the last time we were here, why you see the need to kill yourself over it, I don't know."

"I wasn't killed, I didn't even-"

"You could have been! Again!" Jack took a breath to calm himself. "Look, just for once, follow my orders, please?"

"I'm sorry I just thought with so much to do I could-"

"I know." Jack sat by his friend, resting forward so his arms were on his knees, his hands clasped before him as he turned to his right to look at Daniel again. "But you shouldn't even be here, remember?"

"Yeah, but you said-"

"And you took that chance, I stood by you, like I promised I would. You faced it, you beat it. You watched it blow up rather than get back inside it. You're you. You're acting like you would be had none of it ever happened. Which is what's pissing me off."

"I'm sorry?"

"Daniel, you just beat one 'need', don't let the other kill you, please?"

"Wh-what 'other'?" Daniel asked as Jack just smiled and stood back up.

"Just, get some rest." And with that he was off, running to help the rescue effort.

---

Still coughing up dust and muck, Daniel stood and looked around. Everyone had something to do, everyone was doing_ something_ to help and he so wanted to be one of those people helping rather than heading to, rest. How could he possibly rest when all of this was happening? How could he lay down and close his eyes when people could be dying? He couldn't. And so, he didn't.

He didn't dare do anything to dangerous or head back towards the main mines, but he couldn't just lay back and watch as the chaos unfolded. The first thing he done, was make coffee and food for the men who had come from the mines and were hungry and thirsty. He saw to it they all had drinks, and helped carry more supplies from the gate. It wasn't hard, and he felt like he was helping.

Occasionally he would translate for the medical staff who were trying to treat one of the native miners, helping to calm the injured who couldn't quite understand what the medical teams were trying to do. Luckily so far he had managed to avoid Janet, with so much going on, there wasn't time for anyone to do anything other than their jobs.

The time seemed to fly by as more and more injured where carried to the camps and more and more men came back, exhausted and needing rest and refreshments. Daniel continued to help with the later, so caught up in everyone else needs he completely forgot his own. Even before this had all started he was weary, the with drawl having taken a lot of his strength, up until now he had been able to ignore it and fight to get back to his usual pace.

It was as he was opening up another pack of rations at the back of the camp he was starting to question that. He'd started to slow down some time ago and was taking more frequent rests. A sit here, a deep breath there. Now, bent over the pack as he cut into it to get the silvery packs of food, he had to stop and lean against it, putting the weight on his hands as his legs felt as though they had been pulled out from under him.

"Yo, Jackson!" Daniel quickly recovered, pushing himself back up, blinking away the stars from his eyes.

"Y-yeah?"

"Grab a few more, we got another lot incoming."

"Sure." He sighed relieved the young private hadn't noticed how unsteady he had been. He'd take these meals around and see about finding a place to fall down and die...

---

Dr Frasier checked the pupils of the man before her, they seemed fine, enlarging and shrinking in a deep chocolate brown as she brought in and took away the light again. Apart from a bump and a nasty gash, Colonel O'Neill was fine, not even suffering a concussion, but as with all head injuries, they had to take care.

"You're fine, sir. Just take it easy for a few hours."

"Will do, Doc. Most of the troubles over, think I'll just grab Daniel and head back to Earth."

"He's still here?" She asked, her irritation growing by the minute. She had been working flat out to help the injured that had came in, SGC personnel as well as the native workers.

"Yeah, told him to rest up till I was ready to drag him back."

"And you thought he would listen?" She almost laughed but instead shook her head.

"I hoped he would." The Colonel jumped down from the cot and pulled his jacket on, Janet giving him that look. "Yeah I know, we both know what he's like."

"Unfortunately, yes." Janet sighed. "I still want to check him over before he goes back, sir. No doubt he's undone all my good work."

"Well, you never know..." Jack tried to reason, implying perhaps Daniel might have been resting. But then he also knew they stood a better chance of the Goa'uld, turning tail and leaving the native people of this universe alone. Definitely a long shot.

---

"Any luck?" Carter asked as Colonel O'Neill came back into the medical tent. It had long gotten dark and was now raining. The down pour was a welcome change from the harsh heat of the day that was slowly bidding its goodbye. The Colonel shook his head and after removing his cap, bashed the water out of it.

"No sign. No one's seen him for hours." He reported sadly, looking far more worried than he would ever admit he was.

"You don't think-"

"No." The Colonel answered before Carter could even get the assumption clear in her own mind. "How could he anyway, he blew the damn thing up." Sam looked at Janet, who to was looking worried.

"Well, maybe he went back to Earth with one of the teams..." Janet added.

O'Neill shook his head. "I checked in with Hammond. He's not reported back there either."

"Well he must be some where..."

"I know. I'm gonna go and have another look around. Radio me if he turns up."

"Of course, sir."

---

Jack was getting desperate. His friend, who had been seriously ill only recently was missing after driving himself to hard and to fast back into a pace he really wasn't ready for. Why hadn't he dragged the civilian back when he said he would!? He knew why. Daniel hadn't been himself at all since this whole damned mess started. All that time he'd stayed at Jack's place, he was just a shell. Not empty. Filled with guild and regret and he was so different to the Daniel, Jack had met all those years ago. It made him so mad that someone could all but destroy his friend from the very core...

But Danny was resilient. He always bounced back, no matter how hard he'd fall. And he bounced back again. And it was just such a joy to see that spark, that enthusiasm again. Jack didn't want to send him back, to have him just sit there, looking unhappy, with time enough to think about all those things he'd done.

Again he asked around the men, this time getting a lead in the main camp which had been converted into a sort of cafe for the men on rotation in the mines. Daniel it seemed had helped set this up and a young private remembered last seeing Daniel where they were keeping their supplies. Without a moments hesitation Jack headed for the area and stopped.

The crates of rations and tanks of water had been stored under a little canopy to protect them from the sun. Just beside one of the newly opened crates he could see a pair of boots and his heart skipped a beat.

He tore over, kneeling beside the fallen man, finding it to be Daniel, out cold.

Pulse. Fine.

Breathing. Good.

"Daniel?" He gently tapped the guys face. "Hey, Danny come on. Open your eyes buddie..." And just like that, slowly two very bright, very bleary-blue eyes shone through heavy lids. Glazed and unfocused, but open. "What the hell you doing down here?!" Jack asked, reaching for his radio to call it in to Janet.

"W's tired-"

"I can think of better places to get some sleep, Daniel. God you're frozen..." Slipping off his own jacket, Jack placed it over the younger man before opening a channel through the radio. "Carter, get Frasier and her crew to the supplies tent. I found our boy."

---

"How is he?" Jack asked as Frasier finally emerged from behind the curtain, pulling it aside to reveal a still out-cold archaeologist.

"Exhausted, like I knew he would be. But, fine. Nothing plenty of sleep and a nice hot bath won't sort out. I'm gonna send him back home with the next lot of casualties."

"I'll make sure he stays laid up once he's there."

"Good, because if he doesn't I'll make sure he remains on base-staff for a very long time to come. I swear I have to much to do already without him killing himself to prove he's not the monster he thinks he is."

"I know, Doc. Go, get a coffee. I'll stay with him."

"I expect you to give him my lecture in my absence." She said with a sigh, before heading off to find the nearest hot coffee pot.

---

Daniel had heard every word and he felt even worse. Something else to feel guilty about. As Janet left and Jack hovered around beside his Bed Daniel just laid still and very quiet, not daring to draw attention to himself. He really didn't think he was pushing himself so hard. He planned on going to sleep some place warm and comfortable, he just...didn't make it to the bunks.

"See what you do?" Jack said as he sat down. Obviously Daniel feigning sleep wasn't working. "She worked hard, to get you back on your feet and you do this, Daniel I told you, asked you, begged you to take it easy!"

"I-I thought I was." He replied softly. "The things... I was doing, weren't very hard."

"Weren't hard to anyone who hasn't almost died in the last week."

"How did you know I was awake?" Change of subject, also that fact was bugging him.

"I didn't. I was talking to myself." Jack confirmed matter of fact making Daniel cringe. He could have avoided this 'lecture' a little longer had he just, stayed silent.

"I'm sorry."

"I'm sick of hearing you say that, for once just, follow mine and Janets orders. Why do you feel it absolutely necessary to punish us further?"

"I-I'm not punishing-"

"Yes you are, Daniel! You think we want to see you like this?"

"I would..."

"Want?"

"I would. Want to see me, go through this." He never once took his eyes from the bars at the side of the bed, to ashamed to look his friend in the eyes. "After what I done to everyone of you, I would want to see this. I'd want to know, I felt that pain of all those hours, days slaving in those mines. That I knew I craved food and fresh water!"

Silence for a long few minutes before Jack leaned forward in his chair. "Well, you're the only one blaming yourself for that. We don't."

"I could have stopped it." Tears sprang to his eyes. "Why didn't I?!"

"Danny, don't do this."

"I can't help it, I can't shut it off. Every time I look at you guys I see...you all looking back at me, dirty, hurt, hungry and hating me!"

"I can't change what you see when you look at us, you have to do that. Thinking constantly on your past mistakes and lingering on the 'what-ifs' and the 'if-only's' will-not-help-you.

Regret is by far the most dangerous emotion you can feel right now, because that is what can pull you back down under the surface you have only just managed to break!" The anger and anguish in his friends voice was obvious, despite being barely a whisper.

"W-what do you-"

"I regretted. Every damn day, I regret...and its so strong." A pause. "I've opened that bottle once. And I've almost, almost let it take me. Because I've done, what you're doing now, Danny. I look back, and I _ache_ to take it all back. I _yearn_ for a second chance. But, you're never gonna get one. And you're going to have to come to terms with that...and move on."

Daniel swallowed, or tried to. The lump there refused to budge.

"I...am sorry..." He finally croaked out, and he really meant it. There wasn't a time he had said it and not meant it, but this time he was sorry for a whole new set of reasons. Sorry for hating himself for as much as he did. Sorry for making his friends worry, yet again. And sorry for not following the advice he had given Jack, after Charlie - his son - had accidentally shot himself with Jack's gun.

Jack was right.

He could move on from this. He had to. He would never forgive himself, that was to hard, beyond even his level of compassion and understanding. He reserved that for people who deserved it. But he could forget. Or try to. Sometimes...


End file.
